Home

Today’s blog is a little shorter than most. I have been preparing for another speaking engagement for some time that I had to prioritize. God is good though- the overflow of words that would’ve been too much for that event will now be recorded here. They were not wasted.

He never wastes anything. Not a tear falls without his notice- He catches them all in His bottle. Not a mistake is made that He won’t turn for His purposes. Everything the enemy steals and destroys He redeems and restores. He looks at our years of wandering without Him and promises to reclaim those years that the locusts ate.

I have faith that He redeems and restores all things! I have watched Him do it in my own life in an inordinate way as He provided a house that is nearly doubled in size and allows space for ministry, as we stole back the property of our tragedy’s location with renewed determination not to be another post-loss marriage statistic, as He multiplied our first pregnancy post-tragedy in a way that science struggles to understand the cause, and as He blessed us with our beautiful 7th born reaffirming His promise to us. We are so grateful for His continued fulfillment!

I acknowledge all of this beauty, and still, I count the cost- as I grow in understanding by grieving all of the things we’ve lost, I lean more fully on Him to restore it. This cycle often wipes me of energy: wake up, glue myself to Jesus, love deeper, reach to heaven for an energy snack, grieve more, feel His presence more fully, love deeper, embrace His promise, cry more and go to sleep exhausted knowing He is catching every tear.

One of the things I’ve needed to grieve is a sense of “Home”. For most, it is the best part of our day to walk into our house and feel “at home”. We can let loose, take off our shoes, get comfortable, not have to hide normal body functions, restore some of our spent energy, and etc. What is it about home that allows us this comfort and freedom?

It’s not a “what” it’s a “who”.

I haven’t felt like I’ve come home since 2/10/22, the last day of life as we knew it. By the time we woke up on 2/11/22 our house was destroyed, and my mom and beautiful children had already run into the arms of Jesus. My dad had passed three months prior. The combination of it all changed my identity in an instant. Orphan. Childless mother. HOMEless. We have been blessed with three more amazing children and a new house! Life is beautiful! It’s full of love! It has all of the comforts that I could need. Still, as we move further and further away from the tragedy, I realize more and more that I don’t think I’ll ever feel “at home” here again.

There’s a song by Switchfoot called “home”, it plays during the credits of the Narnia Prince Caspian movie. I have loved this song for a long time. I am unsure why it made such a big impression on me previously, but post-tragedy, when I hear it, I sing the lyrics with a longing like I’ve never felt before:

It describes my longing:
“I’ve got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can’t go back
Back to how it was”

It represents the beauty of Heaven:
“Created for a place I’ve never known
This is home
Now I’m finally where I belong
We are miracles and we’re not alone”

The conclusion of the song goes like this:
“I’ve got a brand-new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I’m gonna call it home
I’ve come too far
And I won’t go back
Yeah this is home”

I ask you- where is home to you?

In some ways, grief is an undeserved privilege. Not a privilege that my babies aren’t here, but that the pain of their loss has made eternity so much more beautiful and so much more real. It has moved my definition of “home” from a house made of wood and drywall to the presence of them and of Jesus in heaven. The depths of pain in grief have pushed me into the arms of Jesus while I’m still acting on my marching orders down here. He is closer than He has ever been before. The veil is thinner because of our suffering.

I remember during quarantine there were many people quoting psalm 91. Here are a few verses starting with verse 3 (NIRV):
3 He will certainly save you from hidden traps
and from deadly sickness.
4 He will cover you with his wings.
Under the feathers of his wings you will find safety.
He is faithful. He will keep you safe like a shield or a tower.
5 You won’t have to be afraid of the terrors that come during the night.
You won’t have to fear the arrows that come at you during the day.
People claimed these verses as if our faith in them would protect us from covid down here. I didn’t understand this. I lost 3 people to covid. Even now, in the wake of all of our tragedies, taking these words in a literal translation, how can they be true? My faith doesn’t seem small- but it is “by grace through faith”, right? The argument for big faith being the reason we’re saved from suffering is prideful and inaccurate. No one had more faith than God himself in human form- and He still suffered “A man of sorrows acquainted with grief”

The words of this psalm are true in the way that Jesus is our HOME. He is with us in the darkest, deepest pit of hell while we’re tormented by the absence of those who are most precious to us. He is our piece of heaven(home) on this earth, and our light in the darkness. He is in the tension of Joy and sadness at the same time. He IS our final healing. He was and is our loved one’s final healings.

Sometimes I think about what I’d do if my mom were here now-if I could lay my head on her shoulder. I was always “at home” with her, even when we were homeless (I was super young) because I was with her. She loved me unconditionally. Jesus loves me more! Jesus loves you more too!

This alien land will never feel like home, but heaven does, and Jesus IS heaven, and we have the privilege of carrying Him around in our hearts. Wherever we go, Jesus is with us, heaven is with us.

It doesn’t matter what we face on this earth, deadly sickness, terror, fires, guns, we are always “at home” in heaven so we’re never outside His presence. We are never out from under His wing.

Is death even real for a believer? Time is weird (see a previous blog).

Thank God my life is eternal, and I can live life from an eternal mindset!

“I’ve got a brand-new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I’m gonna call it home
I’ve come too far
And I won’t go back
Yeah this is home”


Thank you, God, that I get to come home one day!

But also, thank you for allowing us to carry home (Jesus) in our hearts here as we “Keep Going, Really”

Signed,
~A homesick Mama and daughter