I Am (Holding onto you)

At the time of writing this, yesterday marked 3.5 years since that awful day. God has been so good to us! Redeeming and restoring our story in His perfect timing (that I have often not understood). Throughout this journey we have continued to share our story as a way to encourage others going through hard seasons to “Keep Going” and as a way to help us all better understand each other. There are hard things in all of our lives that cause us to grieve. No one is immune and so no one is alone. Still, the differences in our griefs drive water through rock so fiercely that it creates what can feel like a canyon of distance from our own heart to the hearts of those who are closest to us. Let’s build a bridge by growing in understanding!

This post marks day #21 (three weeks to make a new habit, right?) of my new routine which includes a little time to write in the mornings! I am giving myself a ton of grace for my past inconsistency because learning how to organize life as a mom of twins and most recently as a mom of three kids under two (all while carrying the legacy of our KGRs and parents) has been a beautiful and challenging undertaking. Recently, adjustments have settled, and routines are being established. So much so that yesterday I found myself most grateful for the beauty of making our past part of our present! Stay tuned if you’d like to understand how this little piece of heaven sometimes comes to earth for me…

During quarantine I quickly realized that it was going to be a challenge to keep four children six and under from going stir crazy without being able to go out and do ANYTHING. And so, part of the routine we established was a modified school of sorts. Kathryn had been cyberschooling kindergarten at the time, the older two boys were “in” preschool, I was pastoring from home, and Kasper was learning how to grab toys and bounce in his seat. There was not enough space in our days to fulfill all of these roles separately. The memories of our one school “classroom” at different levels of learning are so so so sweet- they are some of my favorite memories! It was during this season that I saw a glimpse of what homeschooling could look like. The most important and powerful additions were the togetherness that we experienced sitting at the table reading the Action Bible over breakfast and our “dance party” which came immediately following breakfast and before individualized paperwork began.

“Dance Party” included a number of worship songs which already had motions (and were quite the workout) along with a few others (some of which I introduced to the kids I pastored via FB live feeds). I created a playlist of around a half hour with a warmup song and a cool down song. We started our days together like this most weekday mornings. There are probably a few quarantine FB live videos out there on cyberspace if anyone wants a good laugh.

Recently I have been reading to my “big boys” from the action Bible and sharing timehop memories of their siblings with them during breakfast. These mornings around the table are already beautiful moments of our living children getting to know their siblings and our Jesus. Connections are being made even though I don’t see many of them yet.

Yesterday we added dance party too! I think Klark and Kharis were marginally traumatized by their mom acting a fool ;p but they’ll be grateful for it soon enough and were pacified because I spent a little one on one time dancing while holding each of them. They were beautiful moments. This is a beautiful life.

“I Am” by Crowder has the deepest effect on my heart:

***There’s no space that His love can’t reach
***There’s no place where we can’t find peace
***There’s no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side

[Chorus:]
I am
***Holding onto you
I am
Holding onto you
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
***I am!

[Verse 2:]
Love like this, Oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 3:]
This is my Resurrection song
This is my Hallelujah come
This is why it’s to you I run
There’s no space that His love can’t reach
There’s no place where we can’t find peace
There’s no end to Amazing Grace

The choreography to this song is nearly as powerful as the lyrics and melody. I remember vividly that I’d link arms with Kathryn, Kaleb, Krisitan, Kasper, and my mom while we sang “… in the middle of the storm… I am holding onto you” We mimicked being pulled in different directions by leaning first one way and then the other, but we never let go.

Now, as I begin to share these moments with our living children, I can still feel our KGR’s angel arms in mine and I know that they are forever here holding onto us through the tempest because they’re our biggest and brightest cheerleaders lighting our way to Jesus.

“There’s no end to Amazing Grace” I’m so grateful to live in eternity with them and simultaneously be present to shine His light directing our earthly children see His grace too!

“I AM” is holding onto you too. Do you know that is His name? Check out exodus ch 3 when you have some time today. He was, He is, and He always will be! You cannot fall away and you cannot run away. He will always send His beautiful angels to bring you back into the fold- for my selfish part, I kinda hope that it is in the memory of one of “my” KGR’s.

My heart has been marinating in God’s goodness and presence since that 1st dance party. I am reminded that I am a human being not a human doing, and that being present is my singular most important job so that I can love as Holy Spirit leads. Thank you, God, that somehow time collides and I can be here, and with them at the same time. We’re not “moving on” we’re learning how to be present in the everyday while learning how to simultaneously “be” in eternity too. We’re learning how to circle multiple places and times at the same time.

Yes, I know that makes no sense, and still somehow it makes all the sense! P.S. In heaven time ceases to exist anyway (since there is no decay) so we don’t truly need it to make sense down here anyway.

Until next time! Keep Going, Really because HE is holding onto you in the past, present, and future.

signed,
~ time traveling mama