Our first ever blog post!

Yesterday marked 2.5 years since the tragedy. I think it is only natural to reflect on where we are, and it is perfect to do so as my very 1st blog entry on our brand new website.

Our three older children have now celebrated three birthdays in heaven (Kasper’s will come in December). 

Time plays tricks on me. 

Kathryn would be 10. I can’t imagine her starting to develop and change! My brain simply can’t make that leap, and yet I’ve seen pictures of her friends and our family who are this age. They’re no longer “kids” they’re big kids and they’re starting that trip to adulthood. 

Kaleb would be 8. He is a little easier to imagine because he transitioned so well out of the “littles” category when he began homeschooling and I don’t think his voice would’ve started changing yet. I know I would still recognize him, with his heart standing back in quiet contemplation.

Kristian would be 7. seven! I’ve struggled to wrap my head around this… he’d be the same age Kathryn was at the time of the tragedy and no longer a “little” Gosh he was so smart! I imagine him asking questions nonstop and being the best big brother to Kasper. 

Our “littlest” turns 5 in four short months. Oh Kasper, mommy struggles to imagine you at this age most of all… what word would have best described your personality? I so hate that I don’t know… But I’m not surprised either. We have spent more time aching in only your memory than we had holding you in our arms. This pains me so deeply…

Klark and Kharis are 10months old. They’re beautiful boys! Interestingly enough, their faces and personalities don’t really remind me of their siblings. Being twins seems to affect personality. Then again, they also have a completely different version of Carlos and I than the others did. I am hoping that their eye color will remain hazel in honor of their Gaby. They are in their “little brother” jammies often. Even Klark will not be a big brother in my eyes until God decides we’re ready to have another baby.

Carlos and I still do well on some days and not so well on others. Most of the time I can share our story without crying. Most of the time getting out of bed isn’t a major chore. And most of the time the lives we lead seem “normal”. It seems as though we have moved on. We have so much to be grateful for! 
And yet, there is no “moving on”… Let me speak in an often used grief metaphor. Day after day after day we swim. Sometimes the waves rise and smack us down, sometimes we fail to see them coming and a sneak attack leaves us sputtering, and sometimes we successfully break through them. No matter the size or intensity of the waves, it is exhausting. 

The amount of energy grief consumes is what I wish I could help others understand most of all. There’s the obvious grief, we simply miss our loved ones. Then there’s the lesser known. We grieve for relationships that couldn’t withstand the storms, church family that is no more, other family whose proximity are in different states, memories that surface and those that refuse to reattach themselves, my paused calling as a children’s pastor, we remember the past, cry for the lost future, try to stop in between to live in the moments despite the emotional pain they cause, and then there are still logistical parts of tragedy life that demand attention. 

Even 2.5 years later, this is all still painful. It will never not be. Carlos and I grow wiser and stronger about what we need and how to carry it. It’s still exhausting. So I’m Sorry in advance when I’m not good at returning your calls, texts, messages, or emails. We have hard dates every month of the year except January and March. Many of those months there are even multiple dates or extended seasons. Sometimes it’s only one day that’s hard and sometimes we’re down for a week or more. 

The pain is beautiful too! We love better, enjoy the moments more, and appreciate what and who we have. The pain of grief digs holes in our hearts and as we welcome Jesus into the hurt, His Spirit fills the empty space.
So day after day after day we cry and smile and sing, and pray, and wail. We welcome sadness in with our joy.

Others move on with only visits to “where” we live. They can forget dates until they’re reminded by people or calendars. They can schedule things without having to work around the hard. About their kids they comment “they grow so fast” or “I don’t know where the time has gone”. But we know where it went. It moved a day closer to eternity and the beautiful hugs that are waiting for us!
We are so very grateful for our boys, for all of you, for our beautiful home, and for the calling and platform that God has put on our lives! It brings us so much joy to pull on our boots and stomp the dreadful devil into the ground! He stole what was precious to us, and we will continue to fight back.

(Most of the time) I can truly say as Paul did in Romans 5:3-4
“And not only this, but [with joy] let us exult in our sufferings and rejoice in our hardships, knowing that hardship (distress, pressure, trouble) produces patient endurance; 4 and endurance, proven character (spiritual maturity); and proven character, hope and confident assurance [of eternal salvation]. 5 Such hope [in God’s promises] never disappoints us, because God’s love has been abundantly poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
An eternity perspective means that we can have confident expectation (Hope) to live forever with all 6 of our babies, and every day we move closer to that beautiful reunion!

Until then,
Keep going, really!