This “weekly” blog has been riding the struggle bus since, well, the second week. I’m so grateful that I was able to make such a consistent start (insert sarcasm here). The truth is that I’ve had writer’s block. I’ve now started this weeks’ blog at least five times, I get partially into it, and then it falls flat.
I learned a long time ago that if I have to force it then God is not in it. I’ve been trying so hard to be patient until he jumps into the driver’s seat and directs me where to go. I kept asking Him to take the wheel, but He would have nothing of it. And today, I finally know why. See God doesn’t play pretend. He knew that if we entered the car together, I would be so very very set in controlling the direction with my distraction that I wouldn’t let Him drive anyway. I’m glad he stopped false progress in its tracks because I feel as though I’ve wasted enough time already. I’m sorry that I led you all to desire more from this platform only to fall short. As always, He is faithfully using my shortcoming. This time He chose to do so as an Illustration for this blog- God gets to come in and show off in all of His glory!
When it comes to writing anything for God, when/if my heart is blocked, if I am not in full communion with Him, then “my” writing is blocked too. My discovery this morning was that I have been struggling with pride and that has been my block. Hence “The Problem of Pride”.
We humans struggle with pride a lot. Sometimes it’s obvious. All of us suffer from overconfidence in our accomplishments sometimes- it’s good to win the medal, but we don’t need to continue to show it off or remind others of their loss. Other times pride is found in the number of butts in seats in our church buildings.
Sometimes it’s less obvious though. Sometimes pride looks like deciding what a person should or shouldn’t have done. Do we ever have the right to judge?
By a similar thread, many of us who decide “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” believe we have a solid scope of who we are- and we resist growth because we want to look like we have it all together (teachability). An indicator that I am in this place is when I find myself listening to a sermon or podcast in a way as to affirm myself and my current views rather than to grow. There is ALWAYS something for us to learn. I don’t care how long we have been Christians, how many times we have read the Bible, or how often we are in the church building. Choosing not to grow when in fellowship with other Christians is an US problem, not a them problem.
There are so many other forms of pride, and we all struggle differently. None of us is exempt. I plan to tell on myself today because I want to be real. The one that trips me up consistently is the pride of control/independence.
Pre-tragedy I was a mom with 4 young children in tow ages 2-7. I homeschooled two of them, watched the youngest, and had our 3rd in preschool for half of the day. This is a lot. I did these things at the same time that I worked a full-time ministry position. Then, when I got home, I still had cooking, cleaning, and loving on my kids to do. It was a lot. People could not (and still cannot) understand how I made it all happen. It should not have been possible. It was a consistent challenge to realize I wasn’t in control and that God made it work because He wanted it to.
The following excerpt is from a book titled “Suffering” by Paul David Tripp
“Suffering always exposes our Weaknesses. Suffering confronts us with how little in life we actually control. It confronts us with the vulnerability of our physical body. It forces us to face how quickly precious relationships can dissolve… Suffering powerfully exposes our human weakness. It reminds us that we are weak, small, and lacking in power and how limited our resources really are. Suffering DOESN’T make us weak; it simply exposes the weaknesses that have been there all along. It exposes the delusion of our sovereignty and independent capability. It’s painful to be confronted with who we really are and how needy and dependent we are.”
I have an unpopular idea for you… Losing literally everything was one of the most freeing events of my life. Please hear me out because not for a moment am I saying that I wanted the tragedy to happen, and not for a moment would I choose it had God asked me, and not for a moment would I wish suffering on anyone. Still, when everything has been taken from you the only ‘thing’ you have left is Jesus, so He becomes your everything- He is all that matters. I cannot explain to you how much peace I had the moment I learned they were all gone. I pounded my fists on the steering wheel, told the traffic director that I could not drive, and just did whatever came next. No amount of efficiency or control could change what had already happened- it was done- there was nothing I could possibly control.
Now, as I sit on my beautiful deck, I am reminded that we once again have plenty that we can lose. Post-suffering, as we start to regain control of our lives, we all have more to lose again.
There are three different options that I’ve been pondering as a response to suffering. One way that people choose to navigate this road is by burying their pain. When it comes to grief, you’ll often notice that they consistently avoid things that remind them of their pain because they don’t want to feel it again. They may not say their deceased one’s name or talk about a time in their life that was painful. These are efforts to control their pain. A second way people cope is by trying to control things and people in their world. They have a need to prevent physical or emotional pain from happening to themselves and those they love. Protection is their highest priority- “is it safe?” The third is not really a way, but a realization: anything can happen at any time to anyone and therefore the only thing that is really important is loving Jesus and others well in the midst of the mess and pain- giving up control.
The best example of this that I can think of is in parenting. Our twins are mobile. I could choose to follow them around all day preventing them from falling or touching things that might break and/or hurt them, or I can protect them from only the accidents that will cause significant injury and allow them to fall otherwise. Why allow them to fall? There are so many good falling quotes!
“You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing and by falling over. ~Richard Branson
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Success is falling nine times and getting up ten” ~ Jon Bon Jovi
Proverbs 24:16a For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again
Proverbs 28:13 A person who refuses to admit his mistake can never be successful. But if that person confesses and forsakes those mistakes, another chance is given
Sometimes in life we are so busy thinking we have it all together (pride) and controlling what is in front of us that we are too scared and/or prideful to allow ourselves to fall. The anxiety this creates is huge. In Philippians 3 Paul talks about moving forward from the past and striving toward the goal of Jesus- failure is not the problem, but failing to learn from it or giving up so we can’t be seen failing is (The problem is PRIDE). Can you imagine if babies were so scared of falling that they stopped trying to walk? You know the other thing I’ve noticed? Our boys have learned to fall well. For the most part they fall onto their God-given cushion. We can’t fall well if we never allow ourselves to fall.
I digress… Anyway, I am so much less controlling and prideful than I was pre-tragedy, and still, it sneaks up on me. My one purpose post tragedy has been sharing our story to bring God glory (feel free to listen to the Matthew West song after you’re done here). Sometimes I allow myself to feel entitled “God, I’m working so hard for you, so can you please make decisions that make sense (to me)?” “I understand that you know literally EVERYTHING and therefore the way this is playing out is completely for your good, but right now it doesn’t feel like it to me so please fix it” (signed your completely ungrateful and prideful daughter who is currently throwing a temper tantrum).
Multiple times recently I have ended up in the biblical text of the last supper. Judas has held my curiosity lately. We know that “the devil entered” him and that is when he betrayed Jesus, but do we know in what way? We’re all guilty of allowing our human nature to run the show sometimes and we’re all guilty of allowing the devil to run the show through us too. So, back to my question. In what way? After doing some research and rereading the text, I believe that Judas had been unhappy for some time. I do not believe he was a traitor the whole time, but I think that Judas had decided that he knew better how to run Jesus’ ministry than He did, so he decided to take control into his own hands. He thought he knew better than the creator of the universe did! (Gasp)
Sound familiar? We have this ability to shake our heads at Judas, but are we so unlike him? When is the last time you thought you knew better than God? “Why did you allow my appointment to run behind? I am so late” Meanwhile, did God offer you an opportunity to share His love in the waiting room? “How could I have been passed over for a promotion- I’ve worked so hard!” Meanwhile was God protecting you from a caustic work environment that you can’t see? “Why is it such a struggle to help my child through school?” Meanwhile what is more important academics or their heart?
On and on and on- we all do it. We all think we know better than the creator of the universe. PRIDE. And pride is full of problems. It has been known to create bitterness, ruin relationships, force us to miss opportunities, be blind to blessings and block our hearts.
Now we have come full circle. God didn’t create my heart block. It wasn’t punishment that I couldn’t write for a while. I spent every free heart space wanting something so badly that there was no opportunity for Him to speak to my heart. Crazier still is that my all-consuming desire wasn’t even for me, it was for someone else. This might have the tendency to sound like a good thing, but it’s even more warped under the surface. See, God’s sole desire from the beginning of time is for relationship with us. Still, He put that “tree of knowledge of good and evil” right smack dab in the middle of the garden looking so incredibly tantalizing. He allowed (wanted even) us to be tempted out of His presence. Why?! Because love doesn’t exist without free will. Love is a choice! God can and does speak to our hearts, but He will not force anyone to choose His way. Duh Markie.
So, my long overdue message to you “this week” is this- don’t get blocked and stopped by the problem of pride. Love Jesus well by being open to His process, love others well by encouraging them to be more like Him and love yourselves well by doing the best you can to be like Jesus and allowing the pieces to fall where they may knowing that you are not in control.
Until next time…
Keep Going, Really!
-Markie