A Note to our readers: I apologize for my inconsistency. There are so many reasons this blog keeps taking a back seat. Some are legit and others not so much. Routine drives my life, so I do believe that I have found a way to be more consistent. I wrote this on 8/8/25.
Tomorrow our true middle child, Kristian, “should” be turning 8, and I am not okay this morning. All the dates are hard, birthdays, angel days, and days that should be mile markers in our kids’ lives. I will never quite understand how time works after loss. It was just yesterday, wasn’t it? Yet I feel completely removed from this seeming other life as if it were lived by someone else. Still, if this were true my heart wouldn’t be squeezing as if there was a goal to make orange juice of the process.
Kristian came only 18months after our Kaleb. He was unexpected. We were unprepared. We were struggling to fight the depression so hard that I remember being stunned to see that double lined stick. I went out and sat on the deck to breathe knowing that I was already overloaded and asking God how I could possibly carry more.
Loud. Goofy. Sweet. Sensitive. Beautiful. He made himself heard. He made himself seen. He was never just a tag along. When I look back at pictures, I see how much of an amazing big brother he was. I see how much life he lived in his short years. I wish he were here now though. I at least wish that I could go back in time and give him the biggest hug. God, please tell him that he had, and always will have, a definitive place in our family! You are so special to us!
I look back sometimes, and I hate that it feels like he lost out because of all that we had going on. He didn’t though… What I know to be true is that he craved being exactly who he is- our standout and the one who broke the mold. Should I really be surprised that I’m surprised at how hard your day is hitting me right now?
I see so much of him in our Kharis. Did God allow him a special role in the knitting together of our bonus baby’s personality? Just this week as we were eating dinner, I instructed Klark and Kharis “When you finish your vegetables, then you may have more rice” Klark dutifully did as instructed and enjoyed seconds and thirds. How many times did I repeat those words hoping Kharis would choose to wise up before I chose to give Klark a small dessert as well? Then I barely stopped myself from laughing as Kharis chose to pick up those (apparently gross) mixed vegetables and tossed them at the wall. Thank you, Kharis. It was the next day when I finally remembered to clean the wall that I realized how many similar exchanges we had with our Kristian, thank you for smiling down on us <3
When we were closer to the tragedy it seemed as though everyone was shocked that we could continue living. Now, much of the world has moved on and it is not part of their day to day- it will never not be part of ours. There are some who continue trying to connect with our hearts but to many, we’re old news.
The weight of this blog is heavy. The good memories and the hard ones all add to the exertion that is part of adjusting our daily load. Yet to forget and move on will never be an option. Now I want to throw my vegetables against the wall! There hasn’t been much healthy eating the past few days anyway….
We have the cutest video of (then) 3-year-old Kristian quoting the words of Romans 5:8 “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”. I am so grateful for the truth of these words that remind me that I will see your beautiful smile again! Until then, your memory will encourage me to smile and laugh through my tears and also continue to commanding attention as we remind those who will listen to “Keep Going, Really”
I love you so so so very much buddy! Happy birthday to my favorite 8-year-old.
“Not a tear is wasted, in time you’ll understand. I’m painting beauty with the ashes your life is in my hands”
-Kristian’s Mommy
Dear Markie. I am so sorry for your tears. I know you also had tears of joy with Kristian. Keeping you in prayer as I know you have so many painful days with the tragedy that you encountered. Please know you are an amazing woman and an inspiration to so many of us who have lost our children. God bless you and your family. Brenda
As cited by C W MCCALL “Memories are like starlights they go on forever!” Always in our hearts
Dearest Markie, Such a beautiful tribute to a precious and funny little guy that one day I will be able to meet and laugh with! And just so you know, you are definitely not old news. Last Sunday, our women’s leadership team asked the ladies of Innovation to tell us, as Allison with her sense of humor would put it, “the good, the bad, and the ugly” of Innovate Women meetings. One dear lady handed me her form, and as I read it, I certainly had to agree, the evening you spoke was perhaps the most memorable, heartfelt testimony we will always keep close to our hearts! Perhaps it’s time for you to come once again with a beautiful update of how the Lord is working in your wonderful family. Blessings and love, Hope