Words about words and a note about where “Keep Going, Really” came from

One of the difficulties that arises from sharing my children with you all is that it often makes sense to group them, and it is difficult because as with so many facets of grief (and especially child-loss) English is completely inadequate. I enjoy sharing Kathryn, Kaleb, Kristian, and Kasper with you all, and still, as with any reference to people, whether in speaking or writing, pronouns shorten the conversation and make it feel less rigid and more personal. How do I distinguish between our past and our present? “My previous kids”? no, that’s not right at all. “My children in heaven”, feels too long. “Angel babies” is shorter but not as accurate. Words are hard and inaccurate, BUT, words matter.

It took no time at all post-tragedy to realize that all words we say and think make reference to the residence of our loved ones. We say things like “His favorite color was green” implying a past tense- He is no longer here but is in Heaven. At the same time, I will also say “Kaleb has a beautiful heart” instead of saying “had”. (I promise, I’m not as confused as I sound). For me, I think the question of which tense to use is solved by whether it seems to be a matter of permanence that continues on into our eternal home. In my example, I believe that Kaleb’s beautiful heart lives on through others here and also in his soul in heaven. But Kasper’s favorite color doesn’t feel permanent. Instead, colors occupy a role in comforting my heart and reminding me of my babies that I don’t get to see every day here on earth.

I don’t pretend to assume that there is a hard and fast rule in these situations. If you’re unsure how to speak to a friend or loved one for fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting their delicate heart further, please know that the worst thing you can do is say nothing. If it feels appropriate, ask. Then, prayerfully consider your words. God is faithful.

I’d like to take a rabbit trail here and focus on words that have been damaging to multiple friends…
A quick google search reveals that “the overall age-adjusted suicide rate in the U.S. climbed by 37% between 2000 and 2018” This is a scary number. It is not my purpose to analyze the statistics for better understanding. We don’t need to fully comprehend all the facets of it to know that our mental health struggle has grown. Overdose death rates have climbed to alarming numbers as well confirming this same conclusion. So why do our words to grievers affected by mental health loss still carry a different (and often negative) connotation than those directed to accidental deaths and medical events? I have NEVER heard someone say “That teenager got what they deserved because they were texting while driving”, but I have grieving friends who have been told “He got what he wanted”. Can you imagine the metaphorical cut that those words leave?!

Since you are reading this blog, it is likely that you are more sensitive than to say this or anything with this underlying message. Praise the Lord for that! I ask you though, have you ever said the words “committed suicide”? I have. I used to be ignorant to how this made others feel. Now I remember where I was the very first time I heard these words come out of my mouth post-tragedy and I immediately wished that I could take them back. I didn’t need for my friend to tell me how they affected her, because spending time together had made it so that it was almost an out of body experience. I will never know the extent of that pain, but I can try to understand her perspective, and even in my limited understanding, it hurt. I was talking about her son whom she LOVES (present tense very much intentional) with these cold and unfeeling words.

As I said, I didn’t know. Now I do know. And now you know too. Let’s do better!

We all live in a fallen and broken world. The beauty that we sometimes see is evidence of our Lord working for His good despite death and decay (despite time). So why have we alienated those who struggle with mental health and those who have been affected in the worst ways by mental health? In part because we are too proud to admit that our failings are just as much part of this world’s downfall as everyone else’s and that we might have a role to play in righting some of these wrongs through education, prayer, and action.

I watched a video recently of a pastor explaining why he believes suicide victims are in heaven. I agree wholeheartedly. Jesus died to cleanse us of all of our sins, not just the ones that we’ve asked forgiveness for. The problem is that in a less than 5-minute video he managed to say “committed suicide” at least three times. I would love to ask him if he prayed about the hearts of those receiving his message before he recorded it. We all say things that we don’t mean sometimes. I pray that we all do a better job listening, praying, and thinking before we respond to the emotions of others or talk about things that we don’t understand. These words are like salt in a gaping wound. I’m working to teach my toddlers to process before responding even with their limited ability. When we react instead of responding in prayer there is much less of a chance that we are being the hands and feet of Jesus.

Silence is allowed. Silence is expected in these spaces and often silence is healing. Your presence is what is needed. We don’t need words to fill that space. Tears are the language of love, words are not. Anytime you want to love someone well in any situation, stop, pray, think, and listen then respond.

To the point that began today’s conversation, I wanted to share the following with you:
We chose to name Kathryn after my grandmother when we learned that she was a girl. Her birth, on Holy Thursday in 2014, inspired her middle name “Grace”. It didn’t take us long to decide on Kaleb’s name. We were both awed by the loyalty of Joshua’s Caleb in the Bible. For whatever reason we liked it better with a “K”. Carlos chose “Gabriel” as he had always liked the name. Unintentionally, we gave both children the same initials. The trend had to continue for “Kristian Giancarlo” and “Kasper Gideon” or they would’ve felt left out. I say all of this to share that I often use “Our KGR’s” as the words in reference to all four of our children who ran ahead of us into heaven and now I can use them without having to explain in parentheses.

You likely guessed it, their initials became the inspiration for the name “Keep Going, Really!” And you might not know, but Klark, Kharis, and Kyroo all hold “G.” after their middle names- they carry a piece of their siblings in their identity. Afterall, they would not be here had our KGR’s not lived and loved, and yes, even died. Redemption is part of our story and part of their story. It’s your story too! Praise God for his goodness and grace!

A quick note before I close today…. I can’t tell you enough how grateful we are for your faithful willingness to be students of our individualized griefs! Every single griever processes differently because no relationship is the same, no manner of death the same, and no loss is the same. If you are here without a significant loss, I commend you for your courageous undertaking in navigating these waters! If you are a griever reading this, I appreciate that you sit with me and share your heart- it means the world to be trusted with something so precious! Thank you all for the privilege that it is to speak into your lives!

Keep Growing (I mean Going ;p ), Really!

Signed,
Your growing and grateful friend,
-Markie